fleeting moments

This morning I woke up to golden light dappling through my bedroom blinds onto my closet doors.  As I rubbed sleep from my eyes, I watched the light as it glimmered in front of me like a shimmering curtain into another world.  I lay entranced for a moment, then in a burst of inspiration ran to get my camera.  I wanted to capture this moment, this fleeting ethereal feeling.

It’s been a while since reaching for my camera has been my first response in moments like these.  Ever since starting a photography business with my dear friend last year, and subsequently quitting when I discovered that I didn’t enjoy it like I thought I would, I have been left feeling uncertain of my place in the photography world.  I spent the year taking photos to make other people happy, and forgot what it felt like to make photos for myself—creating for pure enjoyment of it.  I didn’t know what I was looking for anymore.  It was almost like I kind of forgot how to see through a lens.

Not that I didn’t learn a lot of valuable lessons last year—I did!  I learned a whole lot on the technical side of photography, and I learned a lot about my camera.  I learned a lot of what-to-do’s and even more what-not-to-do’s!  I had a ton of fun with Nicole.  We got to travel together, (including going to Colorado to shoot a wedding!) laugh together, and be absolutely and completely terrified together.  It was a totally awesome experience and I don’t regret a moment of it.  But when all was said and done, I just knew that photography as a business was just not for me.

Still, the year was spent taking photos for others.  I didn’t take many photos for myself.  Most of my photos from last year that aren’t business related were taken on my iPhone.  So I lost this sort of sense of who I was as an artist—as a photographer.  It took me quite a while to want to pick up my camera again because I just wasn’t sure what I wanted from it.

Until the last couple months, anyway.  I started to really crave my camera, to really desire to start capturing the world as I see it again.  I thought, maybe I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I’m never going to find it if I don’t start picking up my camera again!  So I’ve been playing.  What do I want to see? I ask myself this question.  Not, what will everyone else like?  But, what will I like?  As I’ve been exploring photography again, I’m feeling increasingly inspired.  I just want to play; to create without any agenda except to express myself.

I feel like I am starting a whole new chapter as a photographer, as a visual artist.  This time I am starting from the inside out.  It feels good.

Also, Happy Spring Equinox! There’s something extra special about the light today. :)

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