dreams & destiny.

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Sometimes, the fortunes in fortune cookies are just silly pieces of paper with some writing on them.  Writing that says something like “Your smile makes heads turn” or “Good friends are like warm honey.” Nice things to hear, sure, but not anything significant or meaningful.

Every now and then, though, it happens. You know.  That magic moment right as you reach for your cookie—because somehow you know it’s yours—and the paper crinkles just right, and there’s a hush that only you hear, and the cookie cracks right down the middle, and there’s a slight, suspenseful resistance from the slip of paper as you slide it from it’s shell.  Every now and then, you get a fortune that makes you smile softly to yourself, a fortune that you want to put into your wallet so you can carry it with you always and save as a reminder that there is magic in the world.

As I’m about to embark on this new phase of my academic journey—an MFA in Creative Writing and Writing for the Performing Arts at UCR Palm Desert—I am filled with wonder and brimming over with dreams.  This fortune that I got the other night was synchronistic to say the least.  The truth is, I’m a dreamer.  I’ve had a lot of different dreams in the short amount of time I’ve been on this earth.  I’ve had dreams that have come, dreams that have gone, dreams that have taken me on wild tangents and back again.  My dreams have taken all sorts of sizes, shapes, and colors—they’ve ranged from wanting to own a dude ranch (don’t ask,) to joining the FBI, to being a horse whisperer, to being a photographer, to being a yoga teacher.  Some of these things I’ve pursued with success—right now I teach several yoga classes a week!—and others have simply faded as I’ve grown and changed.

But there is a dream that “keeps coming back.”

The dream that has always been there, as long as I can remember.

The dream that has never left.

And that is to be a writer.

I realize that I could write without an MFA program (and I have & do.)  But honestly, I crave guidance.  I want to take my raw understanding of writing and mold it into something more polished.  I want to be in a community with others who feel this same undeniable, indescribable urge to make sense of this madness by placing one word after another.  In the past several weeks, I’ve had the pleasure of being in my program’s Facebook group, and what I have witnessed in this short amount of time has made my heart warm.  I see people who understand what it’s like to have notebooks filled with all kinds of writing piled up in their closet, like ghosts of themselves from the past.  These ghosts are friendly—and sometimes haunting!—reminders that this is who we are.

I like to think that there are dreams that we choose along the way.

Some dreams, though, choose us.

School starts officially in a week!  I’m nervous, excited, giddy, and scared all at the same time.  The program itself feels like a dream come true.  I’m most grateful for its non-pretentious attitude/vibe and the fact that we’re encouraged to read and write what we want, not what we feel we’re supposed to want.  There’s a huge difference, and the significance of this difference is not lost on me.

I step into this new chapter of my life with an open heart and an eager mind.  Whatever challenges lie ahead, I know this one thing for sure:

I’m ready. So ready.

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my life, right now

So many things are going on in my head and so much is happening in my life that I am not even sure what to write about!  I want to write to make sense of it all, to express what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing at this point in my life.  I am at a point of convergence—a point in my life in which all roads are and have been leading up to now—and there is so much happening in this little heart of mine that I feel like I will just burst open if I don’t get some of it sorted out on paper.

But anyway.  Since I’m not sure where to start, I will start with the biggie: Yoga teacher training starts tomorrow!  I am excited, happy, nervous, and soooooo ready.  I want to dive deeper, go further, learn learn learn, and just really immerse myself in this incredible practice.  The practice of yoga has enriched my life in more ways than I can count.  I am excited to be able to give back after having been given so much.  Every day I feel so grateful to all of the amazing people who have been my teachers, who have given freely & lovingly of themselves, who have given adjustments even when I’m so gross & sweaty, who have said exactly the right words I needed to hear at that moment, who have reminded me to always love & respect myself exactly where I’m at.  Now I want to give back.  I can’t say exactly where this journey will take me, but I do know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.  I do know that I’m ready!

There are other big things happening, like nearing the completion of my BA, after all this time!  I am so excited about that too.  I don’t care so much about the title or the notion of having “a degree” but really, I am just so grateful for the experience.  College has really been so influential in my life, in opening up my mind to new ideas and infinite possibilities.  In every class,  even my least favorite ones, I’ve at least been grateful just for the knowledge, for the chance to think and grow in new ways.  And as I’m nearing the completion of my Bachelor’s, I’ve got new possibilities opening up.  I’m not finished learning (I don’t think I ever will be!) and I still feel that there is more for me to explore academically.  I’ve got a couple options for graduate school (and one especially that I am leaning towards and most excited about) but I’ll write more on that later.  It just feels really good to be where I am right now and taking one day at a time.

With so much going on, I feel like I’ve hardly had the time to stop and notice that we are in a new year already!  Much less already in the second month.  How is this possible?  I didn’t really make any resolutions this year, but lately I have been thinking about how I spend my time and what I can do to make my moments count.  My number one goal is to really just get the most of right now.  Everything after that will just fall into place.

Here’s to new beginnings!